2 years ago I held my mom’s hand for the last time. I did not know how much I would miss a simple gesture of holding her hand. I wondered if I would wake up today and see the passing of 2 years as healing and be ok. You see time will keep moving and most people forget another person’s grief because it is not their own. And you see us happy, thriving, and living so you figure we’re good. On many levels I am. And yet as the anniversary of her death was nearing I couldn’t help but replay over and over again her last days, and our last conversations. So many questions, so much clarity, so many laughs, so many years. Watching someone die is devastating yet being able to experience their last moments is such a gift. Knowing she was ready to go, but also wondering why she had to go. The person who knew me the best and the deepest. The person who loved me unconditionally and had no judgement is gone. Why do I have to be 39 with no parents? Why did she have to miss Riley and Hudson growing up and now never meeting our new baby on the way? But whys don’t get you anywhere. They make you stand still and stop you from living your life. So I really don’t ask why anymore. I ask how do I do it. How can I have the strength. How do I not look at others my age who have their parents and feel angry. How do I meet someone my age’s mom and not cry shaking her hand. How do I tell my kids how much Grammy would have loved to see their baseball games and to scratch their heads and to bring them more Egg McMuffins. How do I live my life as fully as I can with no regrets, because we only get this one life. I know there is a hole in my heart that will never quite be filled but I have SO much ❤️ around me that the moments I feel the hole is so much less than the moments I feel full❤️ Thanks for listening to this cathartic self induced therapy session. Miss you like crazy mom, that John Denver sure was full of shit. 6/13/47 - 6/4/21 Joan Elizabeth Rothstein