1 week ago
“She could be mean. But I don’t think it was malicious. A lot of it came down to insecurity. Anytime I was happy outside of our world, it made her uncomfortable. Both of us were actors. And if she ever needed to travel for work; we’d be fine. More than fine. I’d be happy for her. But whenever I got an out-of-town gig; it was always a problem. Some of my friendships made her uncomfortable: women, always. But also friends I’d known for a long time. Any time she detected an intimacy that she wasn’t a part of—she’d feel threatened. So I withdrew from a lot of my friendships. It just wasn’t worth the risk of setting her off. I became a caretaker. Everything flowed one way: keeping her away from negative thoughts, and negative places. I felt sympathy for her. I thought: ‘She can’t help her insecurities. Why should I punish her for them?’ So I committed myself to making it work. Everything made so much sense on paper. We moved into a nice apartment, and got a dog. I had a great relationship with her parents. It was hard to let go of all that. But mostly I just didn’t realize I could be truly happy if I did the brave thing. Right before the pandemic I got a gig in Germany. I spent most of my free time in the hotel room, waiting for her to wake up in New York, because if she ever called and I was doing something, she’d be super upset. On the last week she came to visit. One night she got drunk and jealous. And the next morning I caught her looking through my phone. After six years-- after all the counseling-- we were back at square one. Worse than square one, because the wedding was coming. It wasn’t the end. But it was the beginning of the end, because I finally started to confide in people. I remember one of my friends telling me: ‘You deserve to be happy.’ Such a simple idea, but I needed to hear it. Now I have a new fiancée. And it’s a completely different feeling. When I used to envision a future with my ex, everything was so vague. It was so detached from the present. It all had to be so different from the way things were. But with my current fiancé—it’s a straight line. Nobody has to change who they are. It’s just building on what’s already there.”
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